First Day

Today is the first schooling day of 2019. My first day of being in the afternoon session. My second year of teaching.

For some reason, I felt a strong urge to cry throughout my day. And I cried straight after school, in the car, after I know I am at a safe distance away from school. Away from all the curious eyes from the kids.

And I can’t pinpoint the exact reason why. It wasn’t even a bad day. There were hiccups here and there, but nothing major happened. In fact, it was so much smoother than my first day last year.

Why?

Was it because my peralihan kids don’t even know 1-10 in English?

Or was it because one of my Form 2 class that don’t even know “long” and “short”?

Or the unfamiliarity of being in the afternoon session, where I don’t even know most of the teachers yet?

Or because suddenly I don't have my few close teacher friends to berborak with?

Or the sudden surge of teaching periods, where I don't have much time to recollect my thoughts.

Or this new timing, I’m always a morning session, so I very much preferred the morning session working hours.

Or maybe because I really miss my former Form 4 students?

Or maybe because whenever I stay back at school up to this timing, it is always because I have meetings with my ASLC kids, or doing some projects with my kids which was definitely the highlights of last year. The nostalgia of being in school in the evening.

Or it might be a combination of everything.

After bawling my heart heart in the car to my collab, I realized that I really miss my students. My previous batch of students. The students that made me smiled, laughed, and also made me angry countless time. The students that made me question my decision to join the fellowship. 

This is so silly. Man I wouldn’t want my former students to know I cried because I missed them. Oh gosh.

When everything becomes so unfamiliar all of a sudden, I really yearn for something familiar. A few of my former students came by the staff room and said hi, and it gave me such a strong sense of relief. Bumping into a few of my former students in school after their school hours, honestly was so comforting.

I really miss seeing those familiar faces, that gives me silly stares whenever we have our morning assembly at the podium. Or hearing those familiar voices, shouting out loud a silly as-a-matter-a-fact answers that makes me roll my eyes.

Students come and go. They progress and grow up. Like everyone else in this world. I have no idea why the sentiment is so strong. Teachers face this every year. I'm sure they have students and classes they love and cherish a lot, and have to let go and move on at a point of time. And they must be really numb to this now.

Being a teacher, is like dating, according to my collab, Sophie.

"Being thrown to a completely different session, is like going through an abrupt breakup and moving to a completely new country!" - Sophie, 2019

And oh gosh I resonate so well with that.

You breakup with the date (students) and rarely see them anymore (you're in a different session, duh), and then you go to this whole new world (different session).

I realized that changes in life isn't always easy at first, but once you settle in and get used to it, it'll feel "normal" again. I remember when we first moved to Johor, I felt uneasy, because we were eating at the same place, traveling to the same place we used to go, when we had our PSP with the whole cohort and only 14 of us are here now. I remember missing Malaysia a bit because I hated the bananas in the UK because I never fancy Cavendish bananas and that's the only type of bananas they sell there. I remember feeling really down when I moved back from the UK to Malaysia. I remember crying after graduating from high school (away from my friends, of course. Ego too big HAHAH). 

Like all other changes I have underwent, and also breakups I recovered from (seriously, the analogy is good), I know I will get over it.

I just hope this wouldn't affect me in class.

I want to offer the best to my this bunch of students. I really do. It might be my one and only year with them, just like my previous batch of students.

I got a feeling this sadness will still sink in tomorrow. I'm grateful to have a collab, Sophie, who is going through the same phase as me, and can offer me some familiarity when everything is so unfamiliar.

Like all breakups, you will get over it. Unless you keep yourself from moving on.

Focus on what is in front of you. Focus on what you can change and impact.

Who knows one year from now I might be crying over my current batch of students LOL!

Ya know, it'll be great if I can uninstall emotions sometimes.