A fellow once shared to always document your feelings - even if you're in your busiest period of time. And I am glad I did (though just a wee bit). I've forgotten that I felt like these once upon a time.
Wrote this somewhere in early October
I always ponder and wonder about this: How will my students remember me one day in the future?
Will there remember me as the teacher who was always kelam-kabut (all over the place)? Or as the teacher who mengamuk (go on a rampage) in class, shouting their names whenever they are bising (noisy), and (occasionally) throwing a marker pen/eraser across the room.
Did I prepare my students well for the exams?
Did they learn a lot from me?
Was I a good teacher?
But wait, what is the definition of a good teacher? It varies from students to students, no?
THE LIST GOES ON. SERIOUSLY WILL THERE EVER BE AN END TO INSECURITIES?
To be honest, I thought my first year of teaching was horrible, horrendous, atrocious, (insert any negative adjectives there).
The first three months was a lot of trial and error. Figuring out the level of proficiency of the student, figuring out how to teach and so on..
I remember how I taught during the first three months - it was a lot of guess work. I had to assume their levels
"Let me try this lesson, and figure out if they are good in this!"
What I could have done better: Make the students sit for a diagnostic test
The next three months was figuring out the syllabus, figuring out the lesson planning process
And the next one month was panicking over my students having exams soon.
Was I doing enough?
But what is enough?
4 October 2018
Pop quiz:
What congratulates you for failing?
Answer:
A Medical Certificate. "CONGRATULATIONS, your immune system failed you."
I absolutely despise being sick. I mean, who likes being sick? As I am typing this I can feel my chest tightening from the phlegm deposit, and my head feels heavy and clouded. My judgement is suspended, and productivity? Probably at rock-bottom.
A pang of guiltiness hits me for taking a sick day for work today. My students are one week away from their final exams and I have yet to finish up their syllabus.
I woke up at 6am today, telling my housemate/collab Sophie "Ya know what, I'm going to cancel my MC and go to school today!" to which she responds "don't be crazy you look very sick". I'm glad I didn't cancel my MC because I ended up crashing again and waking up at 4pm....
7 October 2018
Do you ever feel so overwhelmed from your never ending to do list, and you just feel like doing nothing?
Well, that's what I am feeling right now.
T_T
I am sort of in denial phase right now with the amount of work (x number of books to grade and check, exam paper to set, some event to handle, and oh, DPLI assignments and so on)
It's okay let me kill some time here and I'll hopefully get back to my to-do list soon.
12 October 2018
Have you ever, wake up in the middle of the night, with butterflies in your stomach, unable to sleep back in peace, because of a certain thought, haunting you?
I woke up last night with cold sweat, from a nightmare,
For some reason, I can't seem to forgive myself, for some silly mistake I made.
--
Truth to be told, I am really afraid of making mistakes. I always feel as though my heart stops for a beat when I am called out for a mistake.
Mistakes are inevitable in life. It is part and parcel of our every day life. Yet, us humans tend to feel uneasy when we make a mistake.
My Leadership Development Officer, Jess, introduced me to the four stages of competency, which is illustrated below in this graph. We always start of doing something new rather incompetence. And sometimes, we are unconsciously incompetence - where we might (unconsciously) deny there's a problem.
Some might move on to the next stage which is conscious incompetence, where one will start to realize and be open about the incompetency, but take steps and measure to rectify it. But before one reaches that stage, one has to go through a roller-coaster ride of fear, anger, resistance and so on.
But once you can pass the first two stages, you can slowly make your way to competency.
For teaching, I wish if I am more competent, because what we do affects students greatly. Whatever we say might leave a mark on them.
What I wish I have done better?
Reach out to the teachers more often to understand the teaching process much better. I admit, I am a very new and inexperience teacher. Of course, the best teacher is experience itself, but it takes time, and lots of reflection. And along the way, I feel like my students are the victim/lab rat of my inexperience-ness.
Looking back, there really were times where I felt really down. I'd tell myself "Maybe I just need a good meal!" or "Maybe I just need a drink!" or "Maybe I just need dessert!" or "Maybe I just need a holiday!".
These work, temporarily, but I remember falling into the whole cycle of despair (despair is a strong word, but I can't think of another word now), like, everything just wasn't going well.
I remember reaching out to our seniors, and asking them if this is normal at all, and to my relief, they acknowledge that it was normal. And it is fine to feel like this.
Really, it is alright. There are times where you will feel down. There are days where you feel like you can't pick yourself up.
It's okay.
You will pick yourself up soon. You have to learn to accept, and move on. And perhaps implement something along the way. Improve the situation.
I kept wishing, if I could turn back time, and re-do my first year. Because honestly, there are so many things I feel like I could have done better.
But OK reality check, Doraemon ain't here. And you learn from mistake. Accept that.
Come to think of it, what really helped me picked myself up after all these hoohah was finding a project to work on. Spending time with people. I got enveloped in my students' Running Man project and that gave me the drive, the motivation and the energy. At the same time, I remember being all over the place for the DHL Help a School Programme.
And it also helped that there was the holidays to look forward to :P
--
Us 2018s will be proceeding to our second year of teaching soon. It'll still be tough, I guarantee it. But it's okay, you'll always find a way. to pick yourself up. Remember that.
And looking back at my entree on 17 October, oh my, that was such a horrible period of time. I couldn't sleep well, I lost my appetite to eat and so on. But now looking back, I can't help but to laugh at myself.
Four more days before I head back to Johor to begin the Cikgu Life...
It's been two months since our Pre-Service Programme (PSP) with Teach For Malaysia (TFM) came to an end.
Looking back, every day was a memorable one. There were so many moments where I wish to clinch on and never forget. During our opening dinner, we were told to appreciate every single moment, and snap photos whenever we could. I really wish I took that advice more seriously - I wish I have taken more photos and videos. I'm always a firm believer of being in the moment, enjoying the moment, rather than being obsessed with capturing the moment - I guess now I have to decide on my middle point of enjoying and capturing the moment!
Before all these memories and wonderful moment slip off slowly, here's a photo diary, documenting part of my wonderful PSP journey!
29 October 2017: PSP Opening Dinner!
Carpooled with Gee Keat, a long-standing TFM kawan ever since our TFM assessment center in London back in March, to Vistana Hotel. I can vividly remember the conversation we had in the car - how we were feeling nervous about PSP, but at the same time excited to finally meet our cohort in person, and how PSP is finally happening, after so many months of waiting and those huddles (UKCG, documentations, medical check-up) we had to go through!
30 October 2017: First day of PSP! We received our Cikgu name tag, and my table mates and I decorated our notebook with star stickers given by Amanda. The exhaustion and information overload-ness at the end of my day is still fresh on my mind!
2 November 2017: Pasar Malam & Dinner squad! Back then when everyone was still free to enjoy dinner together, before compulsory night sessions and lesson plans took over our lives whoops. I remember jumping in joy seeing a popiah vendor in the pasar malam!
6 November 2017: Start of Week 2 of PSP! We were told to design an interactive poster/learning material during one of the session. That day was the day I introduced my coconut ideology to the group.
*plays coconut song in the background*
7 December 2017: Our first jamming session right outside of the gym at Vistana! While the other fellows were attending their first Mandarin class led by Hong Jin!
8 November 2017: Our first Karaoke session!
That was the day where so many fellows really shone and show their hidden talent! Like my colab, Oni, and her amazing rapping skills. So many of my batchmate have such wonderful singing voice!
At the end of the session, one of the fellow, Ooi, asked a few of us for supper. Most of the fellows were tired, so it was only Ooi, Fiona and me. We were striding out of Vistana (after trying to convince more kawans to join us, but to no avail), Ooi had a lightbulb moment.
Ooi: "Eh there's a really good burger place at Setapak, and Setapak is not that far..."
Me; "Joms la. Gu Gu Ji Bai (Translation: once in a while in hokkien) "
And off we go, in Ooi's car, to Setapak for burger bakar....
Post-Karaoke Supper @ Kaw Kaw Burger, Setapak. Unnecessary calories but, the memories & experiences was all it matters!
I was dead tired the next day but.....
10 November 2017:
Survival day! The facilitator conducting the sessions for that day decided to spice things up on that day, and reshuffled the sessions. We had to create classroom display during a short span of time.
What my colab and I came out with - an interactive model of cause and effect of climate change
Some other interactive displays by other colab groups!
Session about formative assessment. I remember we were laughing non-stop while drawing and colouring in this poster - art therapy!
My "twin" and I !
11 November 2017: My first weekend social - ice-cream social! We were given opportunities to "speed date" the alumnis.
16 November 2017: A heavy day - we had a "cross the line" session and most of us were emotionally drained. Post art therapy therapy session lead by Kula
21 November 2017: The day Eileen, Bong, Fatimah and I invented a fictional character, Ah Bong Man (ABM)! We even came out with ABM's theme song!
ABM: Creation by Bong, Eileen, Fatimah and me!
"Ah Bong Man, Ah Bong Man, Throw the pau, Ah Bong Man!" *Sing it in the spiderman theme song tune*
23 November 2017: Our last day at Vistana Hotel!
Last Bodacious PLC meeting session, 1st floor outside the gym
On that very day, a bunch of us gobbled down our lunch, braved through the rain to go to the stationary shop, just to stock up on our Cikgu supplies before heading to Johor. We were quite disturbed by the smell of wet carpet
24 November 2017: Moving day to Johor! A few of us attended the 2016 closing dinner.
I sat with Hong Jin on the way to Johor, and I had so much fun sharing stories with her about travelling :)
25 November 2017: Planning rubric lessons with the placeholders!
Working on our lesson to teach the students about rubrics till midnight, with Christmas songs playing in the background! Loved working with this bunch - our ideas and thought flow somehow just complemented one other well! Well actually, I went out and these three are the heroes who did most of the work, really grateful to have them
26 November 2017: First Day of KemSkorlah. The nervousness was real.
Our class's toilet pass!
We set our class cultures and rules on that day, and these are the discussion outcomes with the students of 4 Coconut:
Time just seems to fly after KemSkorlah kicked off - everything seems to move very fast after this!
1 December 2017: Our first weekend in Johor! Means we won't be going home and we're stuck with each other. Had lunch at Todak Seafood restaurant courtesy of Gee Keat's family!
Sophie: "Guys let's do a reflection photo! Reflect about your life and look across the causeway...."
And after that it was Zumba, swimming (more like main air but who cares!) pasar malam & board games night!
3 December 2017: The day when our class invented their own Coconut cheer!
Homebaked cheese tart from our students!
4 December 2017: Coincidentally traffic-light coordinated dinner squad
5 December 2017: Taught Simile to my students. Allowed them to walk around the school to record any simile they observe and this is what one of the student observed:
"ONIIII I realize we don't have much photos let's take some photos!"
7 December 2017: Dinner Squad at Big World Food Court, before our Bollywood dance night session! Everyone really let go of looking good and danced their heart out :D
#dinnersquad!
8 December: Our last weekend at Johor, and also one of the more memorable weekend!
Hong Jin managed to borrow a car from her ROS ambassador, Ras! And hence, Hong Jin, Hazwani, Jason and I embarked on our Gunung Pulai hiking trip!
We made up stories on the way up, did some video recording of us doing KemSkorlah cheers and our Bodacious cheer! Do you want to hear the story of how Gunung Pulai got its name? ;)
We also had our own photoshoot session :D
And had wanton mee and otak-otak at Pontian!
Shopping at a random RM2 shop (+GST so everything is around RM2.12 after tax) at Pulai after hiking.
Wanton mee at Pontian!
And at night we attended
TFM Christmas Party @ TFM South Office
Post TFM Christmas Dinner Lepak Session @ 8th Floor D'Carlton
3 December 2017: We got tickets to The Voice Singapore & Malaysia Semi-Finals, thanks to 2016 alumni Wei Ken! Mad rush to finish our lesson plans on the bus, in the bilik guru during our free period but it was all worth it!
5 December 2017: Bodacious PLC Dinner at Southern Spice
Still one of my favourite place for dinner (other than Beach Jesus, our usual dinner spot)! That particular week, we went to Southern Spice for dinner consecutively for three nights. We were like "WHY DIDN'T WE FIND OUT ABOUT THIS AWESOME PLACE EARLIER?!!"
After that we were really busy prepping for the rest of KemSkorlah and open day...
14 December: Closing dinner :'(
Last group photo with Bodacious :')
And my favourite Placeholders!
15 December 2017: Moving out day #overlyattached
Final breakfast with the dinner squad at Wang Wang :)
Emily, a fellow 2018 asked, when we were en route from Johor back to KL, after our Pre-Service Programme (PSP) with Teach For Malaysia (TFM) have come to an end.
"I think so....I've definitely gotten in touch with my creative side. Being a teacher made me realize we are all a lot more creative than we thought,"
Which is true, I never knew I could craft so many nonsensical dances and songs until we started teaching the students at KemSkorlah. I found myself singing silly tunes and crafting song parodies to teach student English.
Most of the 2018 cohort too, crafted their beautiful worksheet for students from scratch, and their classroom display looked like something you'd see on Pintrest. Here's one of my inspiration.
"Also, I never knew I could still function well, after staying up past midnight and waking up at 5am, five days a week, for three weeks straight," I added.
This was very unlikely of me - I'm the type who would KO after 11pm. During KemSkorlah, most of us did our lesson plans and prepared lesson materials till past midnight. We had to leave our place by 6.30am to school in the morning so we always had to force no drag ourselves out of bed wake up before the crack of dawn. Seeing the smile on the students' faces energizes me and gives me the motivation to do more. Plus, most of the time I gung-ho-ed with my friends which made lesson planning so much more fun!
"I never knew I could work together with so many different individuals, all with different working styles," someone added.
During Akademi (the first four weeks of intense, pedagogical skill training), we had to work with different people in the cohort. The facilitating team knew how to throw us out from our comfort zone , they would jigsaw us with different groups of people so that we get to know each others better, and also to encourage us to work with different people rather than our own niche. I have to admit, Akademi was tiring. There were days where I don't feel like socializing, wishing I could just be buritoring (buritoring is a noun that exists in the jiaqi-dictionary. 'Buritoring' implies staying in my room/at home, doing what I like, ie, reading articles, cutting off social interaction. Please do not use this word in your essay in exams.) - like when you play Sims 2 and you're waaaaaay over the social gauge and your energy level is drained. (Not that I have anything against anyone but I just need to recharge :D)
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It's been more than a month since PSP. Looking back, I've certainly grew in many different aspects. Some pedagogy & classroom management skills are more versatile that I thought - its application isn't just limited to classroom, but to my every day life, in the simplest things. Here are a few of my key learning and takeaways from PSP, that I've been applying in my daily life.
1. Check For Understanding (CFU)
"Do you know how to get out from my residential area?" "Yep!" "Okay good, bye!"
"HOLY GUACAMOLE, THAT WAS A BAD CFU. I SHOULD HAVE FOLLOWED UP THAT STATEMENT BY ASKING, "TELL ME HOW TO GET OUT" TO ENSURE HE REALLY KNOW THE WAY OUT!"
This, my friends, is one of the effect of being a teacher. You always want to ensure and check if someone truly understands what you just said. While watching the semi-finals of The Voice Malaysia & Singapore, I remember a few friends and I were commenting on how the host could've CFU better.
"He should have asked the audience to repeat the instruction! The audience were just saying 'yes' for the sake of saying yes!"
An effective CFU is not limited to just asking "Do you understand?" or "Thumbs up if you understand!". Admit it- most of us here are guilty of saying yes for the sake of saying yes even if we had no idea what is going on, but everyone else is saying yes so let's join in the yes-man party.
A teacher's duty...for effective CFU. Not just in class, but in real life scenarios too!
I've learnt how to ask better questions to gauge one's understanding - instead of asking polar questions with specific answers, ask open-ended questions, where one can craft the answer based on his/her understanding. Be prepared to be goreng!
2. Giving Feedback
When my housemates and I moved into our apartment in Johor, our agent, Mr X, was late by almost an hour. I was in a foul mood, as:
1. Mr X was late.
2. The house was a mess (Mr X promised to hire a cleaner to clean up the house and dispose of any large, dysfunctional items like the TV and a huge massage chair, before we move in)
3. Mr X promised to fix some spoiled stuff in the house (one of the toilet seat was loose) before we move in but nope.
4. We were promised two parking lots but turns out we are only getting one. Mr X insisted that we misunderstood what he said. Unfortunately, this wasn't in our contract and we had no black and white proof
5. He was fixing some of the things he promised to do before we move in. I just wanted him to leave ASAP so that we could get started on cleaning
6. I was HANGRY (Mind you it was close to 7pm). Jia Qi needs her food.
I felt as if I was an active volcano, about to erupt anytime soon. My temper was boiling, and I was scripting my hate speech in my head: let him know you're upset! Let him feel tormented by your anger! Grrrrr roarrrrrrrr blererghghghghghg.
Thank goodness for my lovely housemate, Sophie, that kept me grounded. She suggested that we give him our feedback by applying the sandwich method. Start off by:
1. The Positive: Acknowledge the effort he has put in
- Even though he did not complete some task he promised, he did fix our lamp, changed a spoiled air-cond in one of our room and changed one of the curtains in one of our rooms.
Then,
2. Give him feedback on what we are disappointed about/what needs to be changed & done
- Basically item 1-5 above.
And it hit me that this scenario is very similar to what we might experience in a classroom. Students misbehave/agitate teacher. Teacher looses his/her temper. Teacher shouts and hurls negative words, thinking it will torment the students, get them to listen/behave but in actual fact, it will only generate negative feelings and might even induce a reverse effect.
The sandwich method worked well on Mr X. I have to admit though, this is easier said than done, especially for someone as impatient as me.
Always remind yourself to take a step back and think about the consequences about your action, and ways that you can work around it! If you shout and scream at someone, that person might not even know what he/she has done wrong. Communicate with them what you want to be changed. Very lucky to have a lovely housemate to learn from! :) (Yes, Sophie, if you're reading this I'm dedicating this to you ❤.
3. Modelling & Scaffolding Instructions
A: "How do you get to xxx"
B: "Oh, it is easy! Just go straight from here, then turn right when you see the hospital, then go straight again, and turn left at the junction and you'll see it"!
A: "Okay thanks!"
*A proceeds to get lost anyway*
Ladies and gentlemen, how many times have you been in a situation similar to this? Was B a good instruction giver? Something for you to think about while reading the following thread :)
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The number of instructions you have given in your lifetime, is probably the same as the number of stars in the sky.
Prior to PSP, giving instructions was something I was oblivious of - Good instructions and bad instructions? How bad can one's instruction be? As long as I convey all the necessary steps, that is a good instruction right? Do this, then that, like what B did above! Isn't that a good instruction? I conveyed all the steps! Wrong!
How I felt when we were told that giving instruction was important
I've always thought that giving instruction is just, well, giving instructions, until I set foot into a classroom.
On my very first day of class, I wanted the students to play a game of guessing the name of the food their partner drew by asking yes/no questions. A pretty simple game right? To play the game, I need the students to pair up, draw a picture of their favourite food on a post-it note, without telling their partners. After they are done, they have to stick the post-it note on their partners' forehead, then proceed to guess the name of the food, by asking yes/no questions.
Little did I know I'll be spending 10 minutes to explain the whole set of instructions, repeating some instructions a few times to ensure the game runs smoothly. Conversation transcript of what happened on that day:
"Okay students, please find a partner! You have 10 seconds!" *Students scrambling around, chatters, clatters sounds*"Okay time's up! Who doesn't have a pair?"
"Teacher, I don't have a pair!"
"Who else who does not have a pair?" *Cricket sound*
"Okay, you can pair up with Teacher Hazwani!" *after a few seconds*
Le Random Student 1: "Teacher I don't have a pair too"
"Okay both of you *pointing at the student that I paired up with Cikgu Hazwani* pair up please. Who else here do not have a partner?" *silence for a few seconds*
"Okay, I want you all to draw your favourite food on a piece of post-it note. But DO NOT SHOW WHAT YOU'VE DRAWN TO YOUR PARTNER. I repeat, DO NOT show what you've drawn to your partner. *points at le random student 2* xxx, can you repeat my instruction?" *le random student 2 repeats the instruction* "Ok good. After you're done, I want you to stick it on the forehead of your partner, WITHOUT letting them know what you've drawn. Then, you are going to ask some yes/no questions about the food to guess what did your partner draw." *Proceed to give some example of yes/no questions. Wrote the examples on the board*
"Okay any questions before we start?" *silence*
"You may begin drawing"
Random questions starts pouring in after I gave the green light to start.
"Teacher, who starts asking the questions first?"
"Teacher, are we drawing our favourite Malaysian food or any food will do?"
"Teacher, when do you stop asking questions?"
"Teacher, xxxxxx"
How I felt in class
Transaction cost, is the amount of resources required to execute an exchange, in economical terms. You would always try to minimize the transaction cost, and maximize the outcome. In teaching terms, transaction cost is the time required to execute an activity, and the outcome would be the students' learning.
How do you keep transaction cost low in teaching? By simplifying instruction, ensure the instructions are easy to understand to save time to maximize learning time.
I was lucky as I was observed by a LDO (Leadership Development Officer) during that particular lesson, and she gave me solid feedback on how I could have done better:
Use more effective CFU method
Ask the students who already have a pair to raise their hands, those who do not have a pair to stand up
Do the instructions as you give
ie, ask the student to draw their favourite food first and ensure they are done before proceeding with further instructions
Have visible instructions
Pre-writing the instructions on a mahjong paper, stick it up on the board so that students can cross-check & also to ensure no instructions are left out by accident
Model the instructions
Model the steps to give students an idea what is supposed to be done
It sounds a little crazy but after that lesson I have been scripting my instructions. I'll write a checklist of instructions to be given, and tick it off as I give the instructions to ensure no important instructions slip off my mind.
Back to the example of A & B above. B can be a better instruction giver, if he has a visual aid to show A (eg Google Maps!). Come to think of it, Google Map & Waze are good examples of instruction givers, as there are visuals representation, you do the instruction as it goes.
--
Le random conversation I had with my mum a few weeks ago.
"How do you save stuff on Google Maps?"
"Oh you just search for a place, then press the star icon - it'll be saved on your maps,"
*Mum proceeds to watch her drama and ignore whatever I said*
"Why aren't you saving the places you want to visit on your maps?"
"I don't understand what you've just said???!!!"
And I sat there, feeling baffled on why she couldn't understand the instruction.
Oh wait, I should have broken down the instruction further, do some modelling, and use the "I do, you do, we do" model. And I should be modelling the instructions, step by step. Yeppppppppp.
4. Power of reflection
Ya I know - You don't have to be a teacher to realize the power of reflection.
"We believe that corporate leaders in today’s complex world urgently need to recultivate the art of reflection....By reviving the art of reflection, leaders can reclaim their time, deploy their fully cognitive powers to the increasingly complex challenges they face and, by inspiring the same behavior in others, liberate employees from the corrosive effects of information overload and incessant reactivity."
Excerpt from an article published at Harvard Business Review (Heads up, only 3 free articles per month)
Most of us are aware of the power of reflection - why it is important and such. But what do you reflect about? How do you articulate what you've reflected? Why are you even reflecting? What is the next course of action after your reflection?
Even before PSP started, we were dumped with a truckload of self-reflection task: Post-ROS (ROS: Rancangan Orientasi Sekolah, a one-week orientation programme where we were attached to a fellow/teaching alumni in a school) reflection, Pre-PSP reading reflection, weekly PSP reflection.
I initially found the reflections really mundane and tedious - I wasn't used to dwelling deep into whatever I've experienced and I feel like I am being interrogated sometimes. The TFM model of reflection was very specific to areas where they think it is vital to the fellowship, and we have to dwell deeper in every aspect, listing down our next steps of action for each reflection and questions we were asked to ponder. But looking back, the reflections helped me articulate and organized my thought flows, and also it helped me understand my strength/weaknesses/point of improvement so much more.
Quoting what my buddy Emily shared,
"Sometimes I get asked - and used to wonder myself - how the Teach For Malaysia Fellowship qualifies as a leadership development programme. One justification that can be made is the strong structure that TFM has in place for reflective thinking. I can vouch for this, having recently completed the 7-week pre-service training.
We 2018 TFM Fellows are going to embark on a real life case study in our respective placement schools very soon. No two schools/classrooms/students are the same, thus productive reflection should ground our decisions and actions in these coming two years and beyond."
Emily, TFM 2018 Cohort Heck, even this blog post is a piece of reflection, reflecting on what I've learnt and how I could have done better + focusing on next course of action.
Looking forward to the start of fellowship experience!
